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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359611">The Tale of Count Coffula</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollsome/pseuds/dollsome'>dollsome</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gilmore Girls</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:28:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,250</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24359611</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollsome/pseuds/dollsome</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s Halloween season, and Lorelai’s got a plan to keep the Gilmore-Danes house the hippest one in town. (It’s possible she’s also had way too much caffeine.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Tale of Count Coffula</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the prompt “gilmore girls | lorelai, solo or &amp; rory / x luke | coffee, blood, laughter [just one is fine; any combination of the three is also fine]” from earnmysong on Tumblr!</p><p>This is literally bonkers, just bonkers to infinity, but it is, unfortunately, where my brain drifted at that prompt, and now we all just get to live with it. (Also, Raris is a thing in this just for my own amusement.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Daughter. Husband. Kirk, for some reason. I call you here today, on this most auspicious first day of October, to announce ... I think I’ve got it.”</p><p>“Hit us,” Rory says.</p><p>Lorelai pauses, really cultivating some suspense. There’s a very good chance this is going to be the most mind-blowing news to ever hit the Gilmore-Danes living room. Thank God Rory’s visiting this weekend; the magnitude of this moment would so be lost over Facetime. Rory, Luke, and Kirk look up at her now from where they sit together, like some kind of tribunal, on the sofa.</p><p>Once enough epic pausing has gone by, Lorelai announces, in her grandest tones, “Count Coffula.”</p><p>“Uh,” says Luke, “what?”</p><p>“It’s actually pronounced ‘Dracula,’” Kirk contributes.</p><p>“Why are you even here?” Luke asks him. “But also, the guy’s got a point.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve heard of Count Dracula, thank you, Vampire Mansplaining Brigade,” Lorelai says, giving Rory a ‘Can you believe these jerks?’ look of female solidarity.</p><p>“Count … Coffula?” Rory says delicately. “Like, because October is flu season?”</p><p>“No! Not ‘Coff’ like ‘cough.’ ‘Coff’ like <em> coff</em>ee. Get it? A vampire … who loves coffee.”</p><p>“Oh,” says Rory with a weak smile.</p><p>Lorelai groans, frustrated. “Come on, guys. You know we’ve got to keep raising the bar if we want to be respected as a must-stop house for Halloween in Stars Hollow. Pulling link sausages out of Luke might have cut it in the aughts, but this is the big leagues now, buckos. This is the age of the attention economy, and we’ve got to do something cutting-edge and zeitgeisty to stay in the game. What makes our house more mesmerizing than a Nintendo Switch? I’ll tell you what. A Halloween character of our own invention, that’s what: Count Coffula.”</p><p>“Have you been listening to the TED Radio Hour in the car again?” Rory asks.</p><p>“I thought the link sausages worked great,” Luke says.</p><p>“Children’s therapy attendance spiked in Stars Hollow that November,” Kirk reminisces.</p><p>“Obviously me being a mad scientist pulling your link sausage guts out was amazing, Luke!” Lorelai says impatiently. “But Kirk is right. In today’s touchy climate, we need to please everybody. And what does everybody love, timelessly and universally?”</p><p>“Ooh, I’ve got this one!” Rory pipes up. “Keanu Reeves.”</p><p>“No!” Lorelai says. “Well. Yes. But also the Keanu Reeves of beverages: coffee.”</p><p>“Kids drinking a lot of coffee these days?” Luke asks.</p><p>“Paris has established a strict No Coffee Until Your Age Hits The Double Digits policy at our house,” Rory says.</p><p>“Good,” Luke says, pointing approvingly at her. “It would be better if it was Until You’re 20, though.”</p><p>“I can’t in good conscience condone that,” Rory says.</p><p>“Fifteen, then.”</p><p>“I’ll give you twelve and a half.”</p><p>“We’ll circle back to it. But I have to say,” Luke goes on, focusing again on Lorelai, “I don’t get a lot of underage customers begging for a bitter cup of joe when hot chocolate’s on the menu. Which is good, because I wouldn’t give it to them, because the last thing kids need is coffee. Hot chocolate’s iffy, too.”</p><p>“Fine, caffeine narc,” Lorelai scoffs. “But they’re going to love coffee one day! Unless they’re sociopaths!”</p><p>“I feel like it’s time for me to weigh in,” Kirk announces solemnly.</p><p>“Historically almost never true, but go for it,” says Lorelai.</p><p>“Full disclosure: I mostly came here to steal your secrets and bring them back to Lulu. She’s really into the idea of becoming the house to beat on Halloween in Stars Hollow.”</p><p>Lorelai’s entire being goes full snarl. “Uncool, Kirk. You take Count Coffula from us, and I will never let it go! I will haunt you, and I won’t even be dead--”</p><p>“You can keep Count Coffula,” Kirk interjects. “To be honest, this whole thing’s been a real bust. I’m only still here because I was hoping Luke would serve me coffee. Maybe some toast.”</p><p>“We’re not at the diner, Kirk.”</p><p>“But you are hosting me here in your lovely home.”</p><p>“Get out.” Luke points to the door.</p><p>“Fine,” Kirk says shortly, getting up. “Enjoy trying to make Count Coffula happen.”</p><p>“God, what a hater,” Lorelai says as he stomps out the front door. “He’s just jealous. Am I right?”</p><p>Luke and Rory exchange a look.</p><p>“Maybe we’d be more supportive if we knew more about your vision for … Count Coffula,” Rory says diplomatically.</p><p>“Well, obviously, he’ll be played by yours truly. I’ll dress up in classic vampire garb, but my cape will be covered in little Starbucks logos. Mermaids for days. Then I’ll say things like, ‘Mwa ha ha! I vant to suck your latte!’ That way, it’s not too scary for the younger demographic, and the adults will be totally into it, because what’s more relatable to an exhausted grownup than wanting to suck somebody’s latte?”</p><p>“Hey, hon,” Luke says.</p><p>“Yes, hon?” Lorelai chirps.</p><p>“How much coffee have you had today?”</p><p>“... Some.”</p><p>“Wanna be more specific?”</p><p>“A pot,” Lorelai says, then adds in an undertone, “Or two.”</p><p>“Right,” says Luke. “And you’ve eaten …”</p><p>“Nothing,” Lorelai says impatiently. “Count Coffula doesn’t eat, Luke. He’s a coffee vampire.”</p><p>“Okay,” says Luke, standing up, “I’m making breakfast.”</p><p>“Breakfast!” Rory cheers, bouncing up off the couch. </p><p>“Once you’ve had something to eat,” Luke adds to Lorelai, “let’s revisit the Halloween brainstorming, all right?”</p><p>“All right,” Lorelai agrees, deflating. “I woke up worrying about it way too early and it’s possible I hit the coffee pot too hard.”</p><p>“You’ve been known to do that.”</p><p>“God, October is the worst. So much pressure. I just want us to stay legendary, you know?”</p><p>“I know,” says Luke, wrapping an arm around her as he guides her to the kitchen.</p><p>“Paris was talking about bringing the kids here to get the small town trick-or-treating experience,” Rory says, “so maybe that could be legendary in its own way.”</p><p>Lorelai gasps, epiphany-stricken anew. “Oh my God. Yes! It’s perfect! There’s nothing more terrifying than Paris.”</p><p>“True,” Rory says, then adds, “I want the record to state that I said that with love.”</p><p>“Noted,” says Luke as he starts gathering breakfast ingredients.</p><p>“Do you think Paris would be willing to wear vampire fangs and/or some really disgusting zombie face paint, just to play up her natural scariness?”</p><p>Rory considers it for a moment. “It’s a conversation.”</p><p>“Oh yes!” Lorelai does a little victory dance. “The Crap Shack is back in Halloween business, baby. I really feel like with Paris in the game, we’ve got the potential to make this the most terrifying Halloween stop in Stars Hollow.”</p><p>“What happened to making it everybody-friendly in our touchy climate?” Rory wants to know.</p><p>“Oh, screw that, let’s scare their guts out. I’m talking the stuff of pure nightmares. People will <em> weep </em>for the sweet, simple days of me pulling link sausages of Luke.”</p><p>“Some of us still like the link sausages idea,” Luke mutters wistfully to the contents of the fridge.</p><p>Lorelai ignores him. “‘<em>WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, GOOD PEOPLE OF STARS HOLLOW? </em>’ our house will demand in eldritch splendor -- while also saying, ‘Go ahead, take two candies. We’re not stingy.’ But mostly the God thing.” </p><p>The kitchen door swings open, and all three of them jump in fright. Lorelai’s epic rambling is, as per usual, just slightly <em> too </em>powerful.</p><p>“Nice,” Kirk says, moseying in. “Breakfast. I knew it would happen sooner or later if I lurked outside long enough.”</p><p>Luke sighs, but doesn’t stop him from taking a seat at the table.</p>
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